NSW North Coast rockers, Smart Artists announced Wednesday that they will headline a pop festival in Pyongyang, North Korea next spring.

While details are still sketchy at this point, it is believed that the festival will occur sometime in late September or early October. No other performers have been confirmed at this point, but Smart Artists will definitely be the headlining act.

Rhythm guitarist Peter Hall went on to say that the opportunity to play in North Korea seemed odd at first, but then it all made sense. “Our music has always appealed to varying types of fans. Basically, we will play wherever we are wanted. So if it’s the most communist country in the world that wants us there, we’ll do it. We’re just like that,” said Hall.

Li-Dong Phlem, a spokesperson for the North Korean Department of Culture, said that the entire country is eagerly awaiting the spring pop festival.

“We are very, very eager to have this performance,” said Phlem. “I must be honest, though, Smart Artists were not our first choice. We really wanted Big Country to headline the festival, but I just recently found out that their lead singer killed himself five years ago. We don’t get much international news here” he said.

When asked what made him choose Smart Artists, Phlem said that the idea came from his wife. “Liu has always had a thing for Smart Artists. She said that ‘Route 66′ makes her hot. So, for me, the choice was obvious. And the price was right.” concluded Phlem.

After many weeks of rumours and innuendo, it is now official. We can now confirm that one of the worlds’s most revered rock ‘n’ roll bands Smart Artists have not split!

Move over U2, move over Destiny’s Child, move over Radiohead, Korn, Creed, Fred Durst and his Limp Bizkit and all you other Pretenders (actually they were a good band), ’cause Smart Artists are back to reclaim their rightful position!In a feature article covering their forthcoming return in February,

Time Magazine recently reported that, by the end of the 2006, 8 out of every 10 household music collections included a copy of Smart Artists ‘Route 66′. Only 3 other artists hold this distinction those being Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”, Fleetwood Mac’s “Rumours” and Pink Floyd’s “Dark Side of the Moon”! (and look where those acts are now !)

The boys will be releasing a much-anticipated follow up to Route 66 shortly. Stay tuned to the Official Smart Artists website for an imminent announcement on more exciting developments. We caught up with lead singer Shannon Beaumont, just before he was about to be whisked away by stretch limo to a secret destination in Melbourne, Australia where it is understood Smart Artists are underway with rehearsals for their forthcoming February gigs.

The NSW North Coast was in a state of panic last night when it was found that a deadly, new strain of virus was causing musicians to shrink.

Smart Artists guitarist Peter Hall and his beautiful wife Melinda were particularly worried. ‘We went to bed early last night,’ Melinda sobbed. ‘I took off my make-up and measured Peter, just as I normally do. But I was devastated to find that he had shrunk by 2 inches!’‘At first I thought our son, Christopher was playing tricks on us by chopping bits off the tape measure, but the tape was fine.’

On a recent trip to Melbourne, Smart Artists Bass player Matt Bone was confronted by a most unusual situation in a city fashion store.

The world renowned fashion icon and man handler, Jennifer Lopez, a.k.a. J.Lo, apparently on holidays down under tried on a dress when suddenly her ass spontaneously combusted.

Matt was shocked to say the least. “I guess it was about time this happened. She’d been carrying a lot of junk in her trunk. Now instead of focusing on her ass, maybe she’ll concentrate on improving her lackluster film and music career,” stated Matt.

According to Matt, Ben Affleck was on location in NZ shooting another blockbuster when he received the news. He quickly boarded his private jet and flew to an undisclosed Melbourne hospital to meet his on again, off again, on again, maybe off, okay on again woman.

Scientists are dumbfounded how a body part could simply combust.

Plastic surgeons are already planning on reconstructing her ass with a polyurethane material and butter. Until the surgery is completed she will only be able to be photographed from the waist up.

Matt shrugged off any suggestions he may need counseling.“Ahhh, she’ll be back in no time. She’ll put all this behind her and assume her daily routine…No puns intended,” joked Matt.

A terrorist singing some ‘classic’ Smart Artists songs has been detained by U.S. Army Rangers in eastern Afghanistan, the Pentagon reported yesterday.

The terrorist, surprisingly a young Muslim man of Middle-Eastern extraction, reportedly ‘howled like a banshee’ to assorted Smart Artists tunes while preparing to ambush a convoy of elite U.S. and coalition forces.

A Ranger heard a thick Arabic accent bellowing out the new Smart Artists single ‘Route 66′.Following the voice, the Ranger was able to detain six al-qaeda and Taliban fighters.

The U.S. military has in the past been harshly criticized for using Smart Artists music on detainees at Guantanamo Bay prison. Smart Artists is widely regarded throughout the Muslim world as ‘the anti-burga’ and the ‘infidel of all infidels after Michael Jackson’.

The other five men detained expressed ‘disgust’ at their cohort’s behavior.“We were trying to mount a grenade attack and then Abu’s let out with, “get your kicks … on Route 66″, said one terrorist.

That kind of behavior can eliminate the element of surprise,” the terrorist added. “Allahu akbar” is usually the cry most heard for the mountains in Afghanistan,” said one U.S. military official.

After six months, Smart Artists lead singer Tony Strong has finally recovered from what some of the world’s finest medical brains are calling the “worst case of testicular inflammation ever seen.

“Often known by the slang term ‘blue balls’, testicular inflammation is usually caused by an extended period of sexual arousal without ejaculation. “Look, I dated Ashlee Simpson for two years and she just wouldn’t put out,” Tony said.

The music world was shaken by tragedy recently when members of the popular rock band Smart Artists collapsed on stage after being overcome by the stench of concert-goers during a recent Ballina Bowling Club gig.

The collapse occurred approximately 40 minutes into Peter Frampton’s ‘Feel like I do (Do you do)’. All band members became overwhelmed by a combination of body odor, marijuana and the patchouli oil many Smart Artists fans use in lieu of bathing.

The foursome was rushed to the emergency room of Ballina Base Hospital, where they were partially revived by emergency oxygen treatment. As of press time, the musicians are still listed in critical condition.

Though authorities are still debating the cause of the tragedy, preliminary reports indicate that a mechanical malfunction in the band’s on-stage ventilation system is to blame.

Despite the ventilation breakdown, many observers feel that the real blame for the injuries lies with Smart Artists itself, as for years the band has recklessly encouraged its fans’ non-hygenic lifestyle. “They’ve been burning the candle at both ends for way too long.

This was bound to happen,” said the EPA’s Helen Duenoff, who as chair of the Nimbin Hippie Band Toxicity Task Force has studied the effects of fan odor on members of bands like Smart Artists.

“Smart Artists message of ‘party now, wash later’ has simply got to change.” Preliminary testing indicates that as long as Smart Artists fans are not gathered together at one place for any extended lenghth of time, the stench rising from their unclean bodies will remain well under the life-threatening level.

Controversy has erupted throughout the Gold Coast/Northern Rivers NSW music scene in the wake of last Friday’s allegations that Smart Artists “kicks ass.

All four members of Smart Artists vehemently denied the charges, which were made by two fans following a Smart Artists gig at the Grand Hotel in Labrador on Queenslands Gold Coast.

“It really hurts me that anybody would say that about us,” said Smart Artists drummer and lead singer Tony Strong. “Yes, our music may ‘rock’ to some extent, but it’s certainly not about kicking ass….. it’s about transcending earthly sin.

“The fans were overheard making the allegations shortly after leaving Smart Artists 3 hour gig, describing the group’s performance as “way cool” and repeating “that kicked ass” several times before wandering off in the direction of the poker machine room. According to Smart Artists lead guitarist Darren Knight, who joined the band earlier this year when guitarist Greg Strong left, “no ass-kicking has ever taken place.”“We would never intentionally kick ass during a show, especially not with so many young people in the audience,” Knight said. “It’s very important not to rock too hard. If these audience get too pumped up, their loins may become engorged with a lustful desire to touch themselves and others in an impure manner.

Smart Artists have been approached to get involved in the next series of the recent hit TV show Australian Idol, scheduled for production in 2007.

This follows the overwhelming success of the recent competition where young talent strut their stuff in an attempt to win a lucrative recording deal.Apparently the producers have sussed out Smart Artists Peter Hall to be one of the judges for the next event.

 Word is that the producers are looking for someone to match Ian “Dicko” Dickson’s frank assessment style of the individual performers, with a view to more consistent advice to the various charges. Public assessment of one of the previous judges Mark Holden was not favourable with his quirky vocabulary mannerisms irritating most punters (”hubba hubba”, “va-va-voom”, “badda bing” etc).

It is thought that Hally will be able to match Dicko’s more direct style of communication, yet maintaining the friendly and supportive disposition often required in such delicate situations.

No doubt the producers will also be hoping the sparks will fly on the set between Hally and ex flame Kylie Minogue, who has also been signed as the third judge, replacing Marcia Hines for the new series.

Apparently these two haven’t spoken for some years since Minogue dumped Hall to take up with former INXS frontman Michael Hutchence back in the mid 80’s. Whether their relationship on set can remain amicable, only time will tell. In any event their re-pairing is sure to be a ratings winner.   

Last years release of the ‘Never too live’ Demo CD is seen by those in the know as the definitive inspiration for the increased popularity of retro-style rock, obviously influencing such bands as Jet and Eskimo Joe. Yet much to the band’s amazement, ‘Never too live’ didn’t even rate a mention, let alone a nomination at this year’s ARIA awards.

Tony Strong spoke to the media saying: “It’s beyond understanding. We thought with the demo receiving critical aclaim  and an American tour in the offering that we’d surely be in with a chance this year, but once again we’ve been overlooked. We’re used to it, but clearly we’re never going to be industry favourites.”

Even Bass player Rudy Morabito’s other band Figjam, was overlooked for Best  Album, with Hi5 now winning the gong 5 years in a row… it’s obvious that Rudy’s connection with Smart Artists is the reason behind this snub too.”

Rumours are even circulating around town that certain other jealous musicians (both local and international) may be behind Smart Artists ostracism from the ARIAs. One overseas artist of note (who played at the Rugby League Grand Final and was a “special guest” on ARIA night but whom we can’t mention for legal reasons) is thought to have sabotaged Smart Artists chances of even receiving an invitation to the event.

He was reportedly seen backstage that night, clutching an award earmarked for Smart Artists and repeating to himself in an almost mantra-like fashion “Baby…you done a bad, BAD thing!” Even the ‘excommunicated’ black sheep of the Aussie music industry, The Vines think Smart Artists has been hard done by. When asked for his opinion on the oversight, Craig Nicholls responded: “Ah, they’re all f*&^%# c#$%s anyway… not the band… I mean the crowd… no, I mean Triple M and the industry and the media and… anyway, Smart Artists are cool!”

Time will no doubt reveal the real culprits behind the band’s exclusion, but for now Smart Artists has high hopes for the future.

As Tony Strong says “I think ‘Never too live’ touches people deep down and that explains its ongoing popularity. It’s a shame it’s become a focal point of this latest scandal to engulf the band, but that aside, we’re now looking forward to the release of the follow up single dedicated to our good friend Bono.